I'm trying to post at least once a week. I do hate not having written something.
Sometimes I just want to wear a sign around my neck that says, "I don't have a stomach and my life is hard."
That seems ridiculous, but then it would explain to people my mood and my irritability and my need to lie down immediately. And some weeks are worse than others - like this one. I think my sisters fear for my mental stability because our phone conversations devolve into me weeping on one end of the line. It's pretty cool.
I'm just straight up overwhelmed this week. I've cried every single day. It can feel like too much to deal with and sometimes my head feels out of control like these vines. I've started taking an Ativan more regularly and then everything can line up neatly again. It really has helped control the anxiety. Mostly it has to do with being sick and uncomfortable from eating but being stuck at my desk instead of dealing with the misery at home in bed. Then there's the underlying anxiety about mestastasizing/recurrence, money, life, blah, blah, blah.
Isn't this a fun Friday afternoon post?
At least with this autumn weather returning in force, I can feel a little less guilty about staying in bed for an entire weekend and never getting out of my sweatshirt, pajamas, and slippers. That sounds slightly like a depressed person, but it's just a tired one that needs the weekends to catch-up.
On a happier note. . .this is happening outside and makes a life just a little prettier.
Once Holly left, not a whole lot went on this week. My boss is out of town and I worked from home quite a bit. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm tired and working from my bed is so much easier on me.
A friend celebrated his birthday this week and is usually reluctant to let anything close to "celebrating" take place. We went for an Indian dinner and I supplied festive napkins and mini party hats to make it party-adjacent.
He was only a little annoyed, but then made it clear to his wife not to get any ideas for the future. I like to force birthday fun on people.
And really that's the extent of my week. Hopefully, some autumnn type activities will be taking place this weekend.
Although we are big dorks for doing this ^^^, we are also cool because we went to see Ryan Adams less than an hour later.
Yes, we bought matching shirts and matching glassybaby and then put on our hipster-ish glasses and posed for photos. How are we 35 years old? We've known each other since we were 12 which just seems crazy. I think I really look 35 in this pic below. Something about it screams "middle-aged woman" to me. Bah!!!
Ryan Adams, you guys. SO, so good. You should check out his Live after Deaf albums on iTunes. It would be a great intro into his music for anyone.
Everyday it was on my person somehow. I've always loved it. Always and I'm glad it's readily available again to purchase. There was a time when everything was brown or black, but no more!
Many years ago I took a picture of a giftbag that was navy, white, and light blue stripes. Holly and I decided it perfectly encompassed my taste.
Anyway, glad for the weekend again. Speaking of Holly, she'll arrive tomorrow for a few days and I think that is officially the end of my visitors for the year. It's been a crazy one! Have a great weekend!
While at the Mariners game on Friday night, we decided to spend the rest of the weekend camping. It was supposed to be great weather so we had to take advantage. We headed out I-90 and camped at Denny Creek and hiked at Lodge Lake.
There were a few moments that just made me laugh SO hard over the weekend. I love to get that tickled by something and it doesn't happen very often. The only bad part is that it hurts my incision and then causes nausea. Hilarious.
Rosie complains that she takes the worst photos, but she won't stop talking when the camera comes out because she's uncomfortable. It inevitably leads to a bad photo. Anyway, she said something so ridiculous that we could not stop laughing. Also, I am SO pale.
We had a great weekend and then on the way home, the freeway was closed completely down because of accident and we sat there for two hours with dead cellphones. They diverted us off the freeway and we had no idea how to get home because we didn't have the Google maps app - pitiful. We finally made it and then ended the weekend with some friends over for the first soup dinner of the fall.
I've written before about my love for John Green. I put off going to the theater to see The Fault in Our Stars because of the cancers, but Steph rented it the other night. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I'd cried on Sunday. I'd cried on Monday when Stan hugged me. And then one hour later I started this movie. I cried within the first five minutes when she says, "Depression isn't a side effect of cancer. It's a side effect of dying." Ugh. I lasted an hour and then had to go to bed.
Around 3:00am I woke up and was wide awake. Worst idea ever to finish the movie lying in bed in a dark room. I'm serious when I say that I totally mirrored this scene as it happened. Just sobbing into my pillow. Cancer, y'all - it's the effing worst.
I woke up with swollen eyes and totally deflated. I "worked from home" that day. I was dragging. I loved the book and the movie is good, but don't torture yourself with it. No need.
It's just been one of those weeks. I'll be happy to see it end.
Yesterday I was lying in bed convincing myself to get up for church and I had a realization. I had three things to do that day - church, friend over to watch the football game, and a picnic at a beach. I was having a bit of a panic because I couldn't see how I was going to do all three things.
I'm tired you guys.
These don't seem that hard, but after church I was talking to Stephanie and Stacey about it and started tearing up. That was when I knew it was time for a nap. And thankfully, the friend coming for the football game cancelled.
We went to the beach, but Alena drove my car and I was nauseated and only stayed for an hour. I definitely have some limits these days and it's a bummer.
We made our annual "end of summer" trip out to Lake Chelan this weekend. A friend's family has a few houses out there. We stayed at her place on the Columbia River and swam off the huge dock at her aunt and uncle's house on the lake. We even picked apples straight off his tree. He bought several acres back in the 1980s and I can't even imagine what that property is worth now. Anyway, a great weekend with gorgeous blue skies.
I jumped off this dock into the water and it was freezing. I also realized that I have not used muscles in 9 months and some have been cut in half during that time. Let's just say that I stuck close to the dock for fear of drowning. Ouch. It was some clear, beautiful water though.
I had a scan on Tuesday. Prior to the scan I had to medicate because I was freaking. Lots of crying and lots of feelings. It's a nerve-wracking thing knowing they could tell you something has come back and you're sick again. Also, the whole PTSD/vomitting/worst pain of my life/ambulance thing that happened with a previous scan.
I had the follow-up appointment today, but first thing yesterday morning my phone rang with the caller ID coming up the cancer clinic. SO not something you want to see a day ahead of your appointment. After a small heart attack, they just needed to move up my appointment a few hours. Don't they realize?
A clean bill of health today. I feel like I need another giant nap coming off the energy of the last two days. Everyday this week I've walked in the door from work, eaten and gotten in bed. I'm SO tired. All I can think about is when and where I can lie down next.
p.s. I think I'm going to order these glasses? What do you think? Not too hipster-ish, right?