I can't believe it. I really can't believe what has happened to me this year. I want to downplay it and try to move on, because it's the only way I know how and because people deal with much harder things in life. Maybe if I was hearing about it happening to someone else, I could let myself understand with how big it actually is. Ya know?
I don't know. I just feel like I should address it in some way now that the year is ending and there is a small amount of distance, but I don't know what to say except that "I can't believe it".
Even as it was happening, I tried to keep some prespective, but that crap is hard when things seem to be crumbling around you and you with it. It's a weird thing to have people tell you over and over how strong you are, but on the inside you are realizing just how strong you are NOT. Anyway, I don't know. I saw this quote the other day and it felt like my life this year.
To think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting. T.B. LaBerge
This was the year of the wrecking.
Have you ever really listened to the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"? It's depressing and that's the reason I used it for my Christmas card this year - trying to let my heart be light and hoping that next year all my troubles will be miles away.
This might be the first time I've done something "normal" this year. I've avoided lots of things this year, but Christmas deorating wasn't going to be one of them. It took me all day long yesterday and I'm beat (which is why I'm blogging instead of sitting in church - oops). Anyway, after we cleaned everything and had all the lights off last night, I didn't want to go downstairs to my room. Upstairs was so glowy and wonderful.
We have had last year's boxwood wreath on the door all year long. It turned yellow, so we spraypainted it gold and brought it inside.
I'll try and get some pictures of the outdoor lights that Stacey put up this week. Merry Christmas!
A friend texted yesterday and asked if I was ok since I hadn't posted in a few weeks.
I just don't do anything. I had free movie tickets last night, but I went home and got sick and then fell asleep at 9:30pm. Pretty much my life. I just want to cancel all plans, always. It sucks. I went to therapy and the guy was like, "your situation is hard, because it's very isolating". And that pretty much sums it up. I just don't know from hour to hour how I'm going to feel and it makes things difficult.
AND this is why I don't blog because I just end up complaining.
But this month is much better than last month and I just have to hope that it continues that way.
Normally this is a favorite holiday, but I'm not feeling it y'all. I did buy some orange glitter skulls at the Target dollar spot that are pretty great, but that is the extent of my Halloween decor. I didn't even take the plastic off of them. Wait, Holly did buy me some pumpkins when she was here earlier in the month.
Anyway, I was going through old Halloween blog posts and thought this was an appropriate repost. I played a sadistic nurse at a murder mystery dinner and since I've been around a lot of mean people with needles this year. . .
We celebrated EP this weekend with a stay at Great Wolf Lodge. Maybe you know about this place and maybe you don't, but it's like Las Vegas for children - an indoor water park, games, dances, magic quests, candy shops, etc. A kid's paradise. We checked in and they asked how many adults and how many children. Our response, "All adults, but we'd still like the wolf ear headbands please."
It was so fun. There is something wonderful about a slumber party - to be with your friends as the night wears on and people get delirious and that hour comes earlier, the older we get.
EP trying to get a picture while we sing to her.
The next morning we hit up the waterpark and after what felt like hours, we'd been there an hour and a half. Climbing flights of stairs over and over to get to the slides is exhausting - for me at least. Then I took a knee to the face with some whiplash thrown in and I was done sliding. Hot tub and wave pool the rest of the time for me.
That is somehow my scary wolf face.
Anyway, it was all great fun. Except the part where I unknowingly walked into a $18.99 buffet and then asked the waiter for the children's price and he replied, "what, did you have gastric bypass or something?" No, you effer, I had cancer. And so what if I did? It was SO rude.
I'm trying to post at least once a week. I do hate not having written something.
Sometimes I just want to wear a sign around my neck that says, "I don't have a stomach and my life is hard."
That seems ridiculous, but then it would explain to people my mood and my irritability and my need to lie down immediately. And some weeks are worse than others - like this one. I think my sisters fear for my mental stability because our phone conversations devolve into me weeping on one end of the line. It's pretty cool.
I'm just straight up overwhelmed this week. I've cried every single day. It can feel like too much to deal with and sometimes my head feels out of control like these vines. I've started taking an Ativan more regularly and then everything can line up neatly again. It really has helped control the anxiety. Mostly it has to do with being sick and uncomfortable from eating but being stuck at my desk instead of dealing with the misery at home in bed. Then there's the underlying anxiety about mestastasizing/recurrence, money, life, blah, blah, blah.
Isn't this a fun Friday afternoon post?
At least with this autumn weather returning in force, I can feel a little less guilty about staying in bed for an entire weekend and never getting out of my sweatshirt, pajamas, and slippers. That sounds slightly like a depressed person, but it's just a tired one that needs the weekends to catch-up.
On a happier note. . .this is happening outside and makes a life just a little prettier.
Once Holly left, not a whole lot went on this week. My boss is out of town and I worked from home quite a bit. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm tired and working from my bed is so much easier on me.
A friend celebrated his birthday this week and is usually reluctant to let anything close to "celebrating" take place. We went for an Indian dinner and I supplied festive napkins and mini party hats to make it party-adjacent.
He was only a little annoyed, but then made it clear to his wife not to get any ideas for the future. I like to force birthday fun on people.
And really that's the extent of my week. Hopefully, some autumnn type activities will be taking place this weekend.
Although we are big dorks for doing this ^^^, we are also cool because we went to see Ryan Adams less than an hour later.
Yes, we bought matching shirts and matching glassybaby and then put on our hipster-ish glasses and posed for photos. How are we 35 years old? We've known each other since we were 12 which just seems crazy. I think I really look 35 in this pic below. Something about it screams "middle-aged woman" to me. Bah!!!
Ryan Adams, you guys. SO, so good. You should check out his Live after Deaf albums on iTunes. It would be a great intro into his music for anyone.
Everyday it was on my person somehow. I've always loved it. Always and I'm glad it's readily available again to purchase. There was a time when everything was brown or black, but no more!
Many years ago I took a picture of a giftbag that was navy, white, and light blue stripes. Holly and I decided it perfectly encompassed my taste.
Anyway, glad for the weekend again. Speaking of Holly, she'll arrive tomorrow for a few days and I think that is officially the end of my visitors for the year. It's been a crazy one! Have a great weekend!